Friendship and Romantic Love

First of all, let me record that i am a hypocrite. I have been in a stable, exclusive sexual relationship for fourteen years now, and i am emotionally very close with my partner.

According to Plato, love seeks completion and unity with the beautiful. For him, even lust is a form of love and is good because it forms the seed for a kind of love which is considered higher, namely love for a person's character. This assumes a difference between higher and lower things, but i'm going to have to leave that aside for the moment. Love could perhaps also proceed in the opposite direction, from love for character to love which includes attraction to the physical. Would this be a debasement? That would probably depend on the question of higher and lower things as well. I think these two directions, from the physical to the psychological and vice versa, tend to be associated with gender stereotypes, the first with the male and the second female.

There is another aspect of love, this time considered from the viewpoint of romantic love and friendship. Incidentally, it's quite hard to use the word "love" without the suggestion of romantic or sexual elements, which makes this passage somewhat difficult to write. For the sake of argument, i'll describe friendship as non-exclusive commitment and intimacy where attraction to physical aspects is discounted, and romantic love as exclusive, committed and passionate intimacy where attraction to physical aspects is considered relevant and has been or is being pursued. I'm portraying these as polarised ideals and ignoring issues of violation to simplify the issue. There are intermediate positions.

It's common among people i know to prioritise romantic relationships. Why? Romantic love can distract people from caring for others and leads them to make poor life choices. A celibate, single life could turn people's energy outwards to their friends and the world, and from a utilitarian perspective, there are more people in the world than in the relationship, and also probably more friends. Conflict between the interests or demands of partners and those of others would also be avoided. Given all this, i don't see what's so great about sexual relationships as they actually are rather than ideal ones, which may not exist.

If it's hard to avoid feeling lust, one may confuse friendship with lust and this may impair judgement. The answer may be to redirect sexual energy. This is often seen as negative, but Plato for one didn't see it this way. He saw it as transcending sexual desire, and the idea that this is a bad thing seems to have arrived with Freud.

If the option to redirect sexual energy is available, i would suggest taking it. There are so many abusive relationships, so many people looking inward rather than being there for friends or the wider world, and so many people whose judgement is impaired by the fact that they fancy people and, for example, lend too much weight to those people's opinions rather than others' and fail to recognise flaws and mistakes.

The value system behind what i'm saying here is consequentialist - based on ends. Contractarianism is another relevant way of looking at the situation. People place themselves under obligations, often implicitly rather than explicitly, in undertakings such as deciding to have a child together, live together, marry, enter civil partnerships and many other symbolic acts. I have missed out the word "voluntary". To what extent are these freely undertaken? People may see themselves as doing what's expected of them or confirm to a socially-derived view of being swept off their feet. There are cultural expectations, pressures under which one places oneself and decisions made in the heat of passion, not necessarily passion for the person to whom one commits. Where is freedom and informed consent in these undertakings?

Any thoughts?